Dear Attorney Tully: My mom‚Äôs health is failing rapidly. With her being 83 years old and Dad being 88, I foresee the need for her to go into a nursing home because I don‚Äôt think that Dad will be able to care for her. They have not done any planning for the end of life. Can you help me help them?
Answer: Certainly. Communicating end-of-life wishes will provide clarity and reduce anxiety for your mom and dad and family. It‚Äôs important that you have ‚Äúthe talk.‚ÄĚ
‚ÄúThe talk‚ÄĚ involves a frank discussion with parents about financial and health care arrangements for the end of life. The discussion should include where the parents want to live, how they want to be cared for, how they want their money managed and what kinds of burial or funeral arrangements they would prefer.
Seniors and their families often ask our law firm how they can get Mom and Dad to talk about their long-term care, finances and final arrangements. These and other delicate aging issues often go unaddressed because of an individual‚Äôs discomfort with these issues. We are also often asked when these discussions should occur.
There are a few benchmarks that our firm uses to initiate discussion on difficult aging subjects. If the adult child is over 40 and the parent is over 70, it is time to have ‚Äėthe talk‚Äô. We call this the 40-70 rule. Aging is inevitable and by this age ‚Äúthe talk‚ÄĚ is necessary.
Let‚Äôs face it, talking to our loved ones about aging, money and death are not the easiest topics in the world. The hard part about talking with aging parents, is that they‚Äôre used to being in charge, instead of getting advice from their children. Probably the most important aspect of having ‚Äúthe talk‚ÄĚ is to at least start a dialogue and break the ice.
Dr. Atul Gawande, in his excellent book, ‚ÄúOn Being Mortal,‚ÄĚ writes about a 1991 study in La Crosse, Wisconsin.
Local medical leaders headed a systematic campaign to get medical people and patients to discuss end-of-life wishes. Within a few years, it became routine for all patients admitted to the hospital, nursing home or assisted living facility to sit down with someone experienced in these conversations and complete a multiple-choice form that boiled down to four crucial questions. At this moment in your life, the form asked:
1. Do you want to be resuscitated if your heart stops?
2. Do you want aggressive treatments such as intubation and medical ventilation?
3. Do you want antibiotics?
4. Do you want tube or intravenous feeding if you can‚Äôt eat on your own?
By 1996, 85 percent of La Crosse residents who died had a written advanced directive like this, up from 15 percent, and doctors virtually always knew of the instructions and followed them.
How can an independent, trained professional assist with ‚Äúthe talk‚ÄĚ? Often when a senior hears information from a professional, non-family member, it resonates more than when the information is coming from a family member.
When ‚Äúthe talk‚ÄĚ begins in an elder law attorney‚Äôs office, it is easier for all to speak on issues, such as finances, health and end of life.
Attorney Daniel O. Tully is a partner in the law firm of Kilbourne & Tully, P.C., members of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys Inc., with offices at 120 Laurel St., Bristol (860) 583-1341.